Almost the End

I have contemplated ending my blog. Our journey to China, is, after all, complete. Now begins our journey to becoming a family. But I am not ready to let it go just yet. I have thought of starting a new blog, and I think I will, but for now, I want to savor the last of our journey to Cate.

We have been home for one week. Only one week. It is hard to believe. There is a lot I did not anticipate. It has, honestly, been one of the most challenging and rewarding weeks of my life. I guess any seasoned parent will tell you that it is not easy to go from mother of one to mother of two. I had not anticipated the sheer difficulty of it. As our beloved pediatrician said today, Alex is mourning the loss of the relationship he shared with me and I the relationship I shared with him, and it has not been easy, but we are both ready for the next stage however difficult it may be to get there. And today was a better day than yesterday. But I did not anticipate the sadness or the guilt.

I also did not anticipate the new peals of laughter sounding through this house, the giggles of a little girl so pure that Steve and I look at each other and ask, "How could she have lived in an orphanage?" How could such joy bubble up from a girl who had so little? And I have to believe she had more than we thought. I think she has known a lot of love. Maybe not from a family. Maybe not in the best of circumstances. But this girl has been loved. I do not think often of her birth mother. Not yet. I know that will come. She knew her for such a short time. But I do think about her caregiver. I know she must feel an ache in her heart for this little one, now on the other side of the world.

Cate is pure joy. She is two. Full of games. Full of laughter. Full of tantrums and looks that rock the house. And now she is our pure joy to discover. Yesterday, she said "Mama," for the first time as my name. She has been able to say the word since we got her, but yesterday, it was clear, it had become my name. The tone was different. The intent. Likewise for "Baba." In two days, we have taught her how to hug. In three weeks, I have felt her body, once stiff and resistant, melt into mine, a little at a time. When I gave her a bottle before bed last night, she looked into my eyes, directly into my eyes. It was only for a minute and then she was looking away, and until that moment, I didn't realize that look had been missing. But there it was. Our eyes had met and for a moment, at least, she trusted me completely. It is an amazing thing to form a bond with a small girl from far, far away.

And so I looked tonight at my two sleeping children. The one whose moods and moves I can anticipate before he knows them himself and the one I know so very little about but am eager to discover as her trust in me grows. My life feels complete. And this is what I had anticipated all along.